In my work as both a hospice nurse and now a home care director, I have seen this mother-daughter dynamic play out in dozens of families, from all walks of life. Even the strongest mother-daughter relationships have been challenged by this phenomenon where the devoted daughter, usually the one who is most involved in the care of her mother, becomes the “bad guy” in the eyes of her mother.
The insults, the critiques, the aggressions, refusals to let her help, blaming her for “putting me here”, the list goes on. I can’t imagine how painful it is to hear your mother say how much her son (who lives across the country) does for her, and she hasn’t said a thank you to you in 4 years. It is heartbreaking as an outsider to see a daughter’s love met with such hostility. To make things worse, when I walk in as the nurse or care professional, mom returns to her sweet and charming self. She does everything I ask her to do with a smile.
It can be incredibly frustrating when the stranger from hospice or home care comes in and seems to have an instant connection that brings out the best in your loved one, when you on the other hand, seem to bring out the worst in her, regardless of what you say or do.
Although it can be very difficult to accept, the fact of the matter is, this treatment towards you is not really your mother. Anger is the secondary emotion that is trying to protect us from grief. Grief from the loss of loved ones, friends, freedoms, independence, abilities, and the life she once had. When you add a dementia or Alzheimer’s diagnosis to the mix, this grief can become even more complicated. I don’t have any research to back this up, but my sincere belief is that we direct this anger to the ones we trust love us the most, because subconsciously we know that their unconditional love for us means they won’t abandon us when we act up or treat them poorly. I know, it’s not the most comforting take.
So how do you handle it when you are sacrificing your time with your own children and friends to be there with your mom, and she refuses to let you help her shower, criticizes your cooking, and makes comments about how you never visit her? Sometimes, the best thing you can do for both you and your mother, is take a step back from some of the responsibilities you have absorbed in order to allow you more time be present with your mother. You are not a failure of a daughter because you ask for help. I tell my client’s families all the time that even our professional caregivers couldn’t do this by themselves and we are experts.
Most importantly, remember to take time to practice self care. I don’t mean weekly trips to the spa, (unless you have the time for that), but even just 30 minutes of silence before the kids wake up to journal about gratitude, go for a walk outside, or grab coffee with a friend, will do wonders for your mental health. Consider visiting a dementia support group where you can discuss your challenges with like-minded humans going through similar circumstances.
Lastly, remember that you are loved. Thank you for doing the things you are doing to keep your mother safe and happy. You are so worthy. You are so amazing.
Love, Kayla Nelson, RN, CHPN
